Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
