How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
