It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
