My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
