is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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