was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
