Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
