it's too hot outside to masturbate.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
