Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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