you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
