Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
