I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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