She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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