By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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