Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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