tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
