Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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