my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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