I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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