He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
