I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
