Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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