well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
