Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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