$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
