Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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