Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
