I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
