I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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