This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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