I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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