god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
