i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
