my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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