He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
