i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This baby is an asshole
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
