do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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