sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
