I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
