Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
