Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
