if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
