Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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