so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I have post one night stand depression
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
