Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
