I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
