Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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