i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
