Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
