So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
